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| I have a new weblog, domain and email. Please visit me at
http://www.myrabbits.org
and submit mail to me there at nora@myrabbits.org
Thanks.
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| I don't know what's come over me. I feel very depressed today. I also have no energy. I can find nothing to praise or be joyous about. I am just angry with myself for being a slug. I have expanded the scope of my job search, but that has only been today so I have seen no fruits from it yet. I will have to be patient before I see any fruit. In the meantime, it is hard to maintain my optimism. I feel too much the pain of failure at not having gotten a job after three months.
I also feel a lot of frustration and anger with the new printer that we spent a lot of money on. I can't get it to work with my mac laptop, and Scott will have to come home and fix it. I hate leaving it to him, and I think he hates that too. He likes me to be capable enough to do most things with computers on my own. He doesn't like to step in and clean up the mess that I made. Who would want to?
Whether from fatigue or depression or the sheer disappointment of still being unemployed, or even from the anger at myself for still being unemployed, I feel like crying, but the tears do not come. I wish that I could do something to change this darkness in my soul, but I seem unable. I just wait for Scott to come home and be even more frustrated with me for not being in a very good mood. I feel like such a disappointment.
I wish I had a job, and I wish I felt like smiling and doing more work around the house.
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| Yesterday, I experienced rage and made a few decisions, some good, some bad. Today, I had a dull and rather depressing day until I repented and felt united again with Christ in God. I did, however, make the decision not to wear my cross on a daily basis, so that I wouldn't forget and wear it to the few job interviews I get, thereby making the interviewers fell uncomforable (the cross is quite large and very obvious). I did wear it to a couple of interviews without thinking about it, yet it is an anomaly to wear one's faith on the sleeve in the profession of law. Like I said, I think my cross spoke a little too loudly. I think of Paul, who would do anything to establish relationships with people, and I realize that Paul probably would not have worn a cross if he followed his own descriptions of his conduct.
So I no loger wear my cross, but I do not forget my identity as a Christian. As a matter of fact, I also remember my identity as a Christian every time I look at the ring on my left hand. It is my class ring from high school and bears the school motto "Sapientia per scientiam," Latin for "Wisdom through knowledge". This reminds me of my faith, for Christ is the Wisdom of God (1 Cor. 1:30); and we come to wisdom through the knowledge of Christ in personal relationship and the transmission and life of the faith through our participation in church.
So I am reconciled again to God and glad. I spend some time just copying scriptural text into my journal, reaffirming my faith and my commitment, grateful that the scripture so orients me toward praise and joy. I find that I cannot live a qualititavely enjoyable life if I do not start out my day with the daily lectionaries. With that as the start to my day, my day has structure and direction which it needs. I didn't realize how much I needed that until today so for that discovery I am grateful.
I am still unemployed, and it wears on me. It has been three months, and I have had only three interviews. But today, thank God, a friend messaged me, saying that these days the average wait for a job IS now six months. So I don't feel like such a failure, and I don't feel God has "let me down". And that's a better place to be finding oneself.
Scott is home early, and we sit on the front porch swing together, he enjoying a smoke, me enjoying a nice glass of white wine. One of the neighbors recently came by on her daily walk with one of her daughters. She is only 18 months old and has just learned to say "bunny". She always wants to stop and watch the bunnies so I usually get at least one of them out of the pen for her to pet. This evening, even Scott came over to get a second rabbit out for her, which I was pleased to see because Scott does not particularly like children, although he values good relationships with the neighbors.
I did not file any job applications today. I only got up very late, after making up for the sleep that I didn't get for the two nights in advance. Also, I was pretty depressed about the whole situation of not having a job yet, and I just needed a break from it. But the good news is that I did receive several new leads. Also, a fried who works in Counsel's office at Social Security had alerted me to the fact of several jobs there. She reviewed my resume and cover letter and returned her several suggestions to me so that I can go ahead and apply for those jobs.
So I am gradually pulling out of my unemployment depression and readying for constructive action. And that is a cause for praising GOd. ALleluia!
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| Today was Trinity Sunday, but it was also Confirmation Sunday so the sermon was geared more toward the confirmands than toward Trinity Sunday. Since I have heard a lot of really bad Trinity Sunday sermons, I was just as glad for the diversion.
It's been a rainy day today, and this has cramped our style. We have stayed indoors and haven't put the rabbits out to play or trained them in their harnesses. Scott works on programming that he brought home from work, and I play on the computer and try to keep myself amused.
The last few days have not been easy. I gave up smoking again as of June 1st, and I am having nic-fits from time to time, but I think they are diminishing. I have been using the patch so I am surprised that I am having nic-fits at all. During this time I found out that I probably did not get the job with NAMI -- they readvertised the position after they told me they were only interviewing three candidates. I suppose that is for the better. When I thought they might make an offer, I did not think it was a good fit, and I agonized over accepting the offer just to get my foot in the door, continuing to search for another job on the side. Flatly stated, the job did not pay enough and the commute was too difficult for the pay. But, on the other hand, I have had only three interviews in three months, so few opportunities to get my foot in the door that it feels that I have failed when an interview does not turn into a job offer.
Our new baby bunny is due sometime this week-end. I have emailed the rabbit breeder, asking her to let us know when they are born. I am so excited about that. The hutch has already arrived but will be left unassembled until we pick up the baby rabbit. It takes up less space in its mailing box on the porch than it would assembled in our bathroom.
Mom and Dad made their usual Sunday evening call a bit ago. They are doing well and have successfully picked out many photos for the photo album. I explained to them about the resolution on the scanner and asked them to scan the older photos at a higher resolution. Dad seemed to understand. We also agreed that I would send them the pictures where I can't identify the people so that they could fill in the blanks for me. Dad will phone me when they send the scanned pictures and identify the people in them to me.
I hope they will like the scrapbook. I kind of spilled some of the beans, letting them know that it would be written in green, on green and yellow paper. I hope I am not spoiling the surprise. I hope they will still like it. Sometimes it's just too much for me to be quiet about something that I am excited about. I hope that they will like it. I also told them they would get all the text all over again from the other publication. I hope they like it: I know I like the process of getting a new printer and doing everything electronically.
Today has been a case of trying to waste time, to make time pass. It's still another 3 1/2 hours before I can go to bed. I have nothing to do. I did finally fold the laundry and put it away. About the only project I have left is to put the new pages into the scrapbook. But there's no point in doing that until the printer gets here and we have bought the paper. This is an expensive project for me that my sisters don't realize. I hope they get me something good for my birthday instead. But I shouldn't expect anything. Still, it has been expensive -- the printer is $350 after the rebate, and the paper itself is going to be $20 per 10 sheets, and we will need 20 sheets at a minimum, assuming everything prints perfectly the first time.
Despite the rain, Scott fires up the grill and we will have Brats and buns, and I will put some chicken and wild rice soup in the microwave. A pretty good dinner.
A good day to all.
Love,
Nora
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| It's a lazy day. Scott stayed up until 7 am toying with his defunct Yamaha synthesizer, in shock that certain parts had corroded during the five years that he had had it put away. He despairs of finding the parts since the synthesizer is now over 13 years old. I hope he is able to come up with something over the Internet instead.
I have spent the day working on my parents' 50th wedding anniversary scrapbook. It has been great fun, but right now I am having to transfer some picture files from one computer to another via email. The files are taking seemingly forever to attach, and one of them doesn't seem interested in attaching at all. I am not sure what I will do to make up for that. Maybe some of the additional pictures I have supplied will take care of it. I don't know. I really hope that Scott can do something to transfer it from one computer to the other via the network, which I didn't seem to be able to do.
The rabbits play out in the yard and on YouTube the views of the rabbit videos increase. I keep hoping that DailyBunny will choose to feature one or another of my furry creatures, but I don't seem to be getting that chance with them. Maybe they think my videos are too long. At any rate, Kathy, Scott's stepmother, seemed to enjoy them and mentioned that they watched them several times. I almost think I should be training them in harness today but I am still feeling lazy about that. I really want to have the third bunny jump to challenge them with.
Craig responded to my email, but he did not indicate whether he had the chance to review the bunny video. Maybe he has taken a vow against using YouTube for all I know. Anyway, it was good to hear from him, and he wished me much hope in the coming time as I wait for employment.
I wonder how his life is going. He sounded as if he had taken heart after a long period of despondence. I am glad of that. I would not have wanted him to suffer needlessly.
I was thrilled also to receive an email from Janet, I responded to her about having met Scott on Match.com. I wonder if she has any thoughts on that.
I still wait for photos to load, and I think I heard Scott get up. That's a good sign.
In the meantime, I wanted to share some scripture:
2 Cor. 1:3-7, for those who mourn losses on Memorial Day:
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. If we are afflicted, it is for you comfort and salvation; and if we are domforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you also share in our comfort.
Hope you have a blessed day.
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